Archive for the Feelings Category

Can I? Can’t I?

Posted in Feelings, Thoughts on July 8, 2012 by altins

Dear Sweet, Sweet Lord,

That new journey, should I take it or not?

It’s kinda scary, You know, with so many responsibilities.

Do I have enough skill to do it?

Do I have enough courage to do it?

Do I have enough endurance for it?

I… I’m still that little girl, Lord.

Crying and weeping when I do something wrong, instead of stand firmly and admit my mistake in a courageous way.

Worrier and nail biter when I concern about something.

You know, money is never my purpose in the first place, for I believe that You are the God who provides.

You know my grandpa believe in you, my parents too, and You promise that the descendants of people who have faith in You, You will never let them starving.

So, I too, have faith in You and Your promises.

But this kind of blessing, sweet Lord, is too big for both of my hands, feels too heavy for my shoulders.

You even know that my current zone is still not my comfort zone, I still feel like having a battlefield every time I wake up in the morning. A battlefield that thrills me, and excites me, and everyday is like a brand new story for me. Love it, that at least unlike Xena, I can dress up before going to the battlefield.

But, Dear Lord, are You challenging me now? Because You know, I never back down from a challenge.

But I’m still not ready to say “Bring it on.”

*take a deep breathe…

You do still remember my prayer in 2003, between the UI and Del. That if it took me closer to You than before, let me took the journey, but if it took me away from You, my sweet sweet Lord, might I run from it as far away as I could.

And here I am, not standing on my feet, but down on both my knees before You, my dearest Creator.

I propose to You, my sweet Jesus.

Please take this new journey with me. Hold both my hands in Your big big wounded hands.

For You the only one who deserves the honor.

Promise me, dear Jesus, that You will always be here with me. More than anyone, it’s You on my number 1 list.

Just like how it was and it is, I know You are there, watching me, guiding me, smile with me, laugh with me.

Thank you for being here with me, Thank you for carrying me in Your shoulder when I felt tired.

Thank you for accompanying me so far.

But in Your blueprint for my life, do you have lots of journeys for me?

As long as You are here guiding me through each step, I’m ready, Lord.

Let people see Your light through my life and how I act.

Teach me to count Your blessings, one by one by one.

And through it all, I’m super super glad, knowing that I’m Your bride.

See you later, My Groom.

Love you, J.

What They Don’t See

Posted in Feelings on October 14, 2011 by altins

Me…

I am truly an ordinary girl…

Always forget about things,

Like to drop something,

Always in a hurry,

Often times get late for everything,

Thinking about lots of unimportant things,

Even trip on my own feet while wearing flat shoes,

Just a normal, regular, day-dreamer…

They see that I am smart,

What they don’t see is hours I spent to memorize something,

What they don’t see is my bursting brain trying to understand something,

What they don’t see is my effort that most of the time, almost cost me my health.

They see that my life looks so easy,

What they don’t see is my hands reaching out, requesting to God

What they don’t see is my request with a humble heart,

What they don’t see is my fail experiments.

What they don’t see is me,

all along with my victories and my failures,

all along with my tears and my laugh,

all along with my patience and my hurries,

They just don’t take a closer look at me.

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Posted in Feelings, Thoughts on October 3, 2011 by altins

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Unspoken words

Posted in Feelings on June 11, 2011 by altins

For my special lady friend, this is what I want to say to you…

my unspoken words…

What happen to that passionate lady I once knew? 

Don’t get me wrong. I do happy for the new chapter in your life. I sincerely am.

But why? Why do I feel like your world suddenly stop spinning?

What happen to that girl who is dreaming touring around the world?

Why do you have to stop dreaming? 

What happen to that girl, an enthusiast girl who wants to study this and that?

Where is she?

Why do I feel like you’re making all those reasons to stop you on the track?

You said you have no time because of your children.

I said, because of your children, shouldn’t you be more courageous and be more passionate about your dreams, about your life.

Shouldn’t you show them how wonderful the life that their mother has?

That to have a dream, and courageously run after your dream is precious.

That to study this and that, and to study more and more is life’s award.

Shouldn’t you share your passion towards life with your children?

It’s your inheritance for them, isn’t it?

Compare to money, houses, cars, isn’t it more precious?

To encourage your children to have dreams, study lots of things, be more passionate, and to love life.

But in the end, I can only be still.

Just know this, no matter what happen, you are my friend.

*Sigh…

For My Beloved Mom and Dad

Posted in Feelings, Thoughts on April 17, 2011 by altins

Almost midnight here, and I am terribly missing you, both.

Hoping and praying that you both are okay, and keep healthy as always.

Mom…

Dad…

For the past times when I was a little baby, how you both took care of me, I feel so grateful.

For the past times when I was a little girl, how you both taught me how to write and to read. And you, Dad, for giving the most honorable place, your lap, to this little girl. I am so thankful.

For the past times during my teenage years, how you both put up with my rebellion and hurtful words that came out of my mouth, but still, during the worst time in my life, you both were there and never turned your back on me, I, this wrench daughter of yours, sincerely want to say thank you.

During my second year in senior high school, how you cried, my Mom cried, because I got rank 17th, the lowest rank ever in my academic year. I did remember that I got mad at you, when the truth was I also felt so disappointed with myself, and wanted to say sorry to you, but I just had no courage to say it.

For the times when I was in college, and you both gave up your pleasure and put priority to my needs. Thank you for that.

And Mom, remember that afternoon, when you told me that you changed your mind about continuing your study and get bachelor degree, because you think about me and my brother and my sister. Because you think better use the money for our education. Remember that afternoon, Mom? Perhaps, you don’t remember. But I do, I do remember.

And Dad, remember that night, when you told us how hard it was for you to go to school. That even your own parents couldn’t afford your high school tuition money, and you must worked after school in a local market, so you would have money for your school fees. How hard it must be for you, right? And how you never let us to experience such hardships in our life, from kindergarten to college. Because you know how hard that kind of life, that’s why you worked so hard so we’ll live comfortable. My dad, my great and hard working dad.

I did remember your words for me when you were giving me Ayam na Ni Atur. That I must:

– Live my life orderly

– To be humble and don’t be arrogant

– To respect and appreciate everyone

I do remember that, and I live day by day following that words of yours.

And next year, next year… just watch me, Mom, Dad.

When I start my master programme…

Again, I will make you both proud of me.

Watch me, Mom, Dad.

Watch how I will, step by step, getting closer to that goal.

And you both will widely smile. That you both will proudly say to others, “That….”, point your finger at me, “That is our daughter.”

And Jesus too, proudly He will said,

“That she is, my bride…”

The Maudlin Me…

Posted in Feelings on April 7, 2011 by altins

YAAAAAA!!!!!!!! wM!!!!!!!

Today, I declare that I am mad in love with you…lol.

Dang, I even got watery eyes because of you…lol.

Hiks…hiks…

Ha…Ha…Ha…

Dang…I love my job

Darc Choc Rule

Posted in Feelings on April 3, 2011 by altins

First and foremost rule…

You don’t share any of your darc choc, Lady…

Ever…

not even with my sister…

not even with my brother…

Well, perhaps with my parents…

oh… and with…

the most gorgeous groom in the world.

(*^_^*)